I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
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Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Get in loser we’re going crying
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.