When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.