“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
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Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Planet of the Apps.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.