Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
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If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading techniqueβ¦
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
We avoided this particular disaster
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
βcan you hook me up with some wifi?”
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because Iβll certainly be drunk when Iβm traveling.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Velcrow
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
βBEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing pingβ
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Me: whatβs the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.