First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
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Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30