Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
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[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Ummm
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?