Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
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Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?