How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
You Might Also Like
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Why are bridges so flammable.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf