I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
The first one, obviously
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
This makes total sense…
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.