someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
You Might Also Like
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.