The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
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JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky