What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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