“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness