I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
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FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Taking phone security to the next level.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
my one true gender
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno