Pizza is an emotion right?
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[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
crochet youtube is brutal
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I am having an out of money experience.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.