the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
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I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
it’s either covid or clever vampires
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm