It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
You Might Also Like
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Ken is short for chicken
And they lived apathetically ever after.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.