“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
You Might Also Like
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.