there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
🤣😂🤣
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married