welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Yup.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
it was a valiant fight
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
O Wise One….
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Me, reading some of your tweets
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.