If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
This kid is going places
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.