I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
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“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!