My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
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That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*