Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I need to update my racial profile.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”