‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
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The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.