i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.