“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later: