“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
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The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
getting corrected
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again