You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
You Might Also Like
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.