What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
You got this…
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse