I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
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I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?