All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
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Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
S O O N
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”