There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
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I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?