EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
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My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.