Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”