Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
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Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
This will never not be funny to me.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.