Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
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[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
how to exercise your calf muscles
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…