Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
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*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.