Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
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I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Okay me first
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.