THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
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So we got a goldfish…
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.