I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Become ungovernable.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir