Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
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God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Received some very disappointing news today
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”