Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
What my back needs
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.