A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
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Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Netflix and you sit over there.