Dolls on drugs
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Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what鈥檚 the last thing you stepped on
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what鈥檚 next?
Sex steak?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Yeah I like bananas. When they鈥檙e almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 馃槄
These aren鈥檛 even hard anymore.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
What the hell happened here.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I鈥檓 seeing I think they鈥檙e teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.