[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
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[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
There is no “we” in pizza
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Cucumbers Anonymous
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.