Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I’m about to risk it all
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.