Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
You Might Also Like
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.