Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
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The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
mechanics be like
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!