True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees